Realizations

I had a really bad night last night. After I got home I began to feel extremely lonely. So per Dr. Baskin's orders I went with it. I had to feel sad and so I began to cry. I cried for nearly two hours. I texted a friend and he called me. We spoke for over an hour. Finally I felt better and very tired and so I fell asleep. I actually slept through the night and I didn't take any medication to aid me into sleep. I woke up this morning thinking about Jake and I began to cry once again. But why? I couldn't figure out why I was still crying over him. Then like a lightening bolt, it hit me. I have been saying for weeks that I'll never find anyone else ever again. The reason I have been crying over Jake is because of Emily, our daughter. He was there when she was born. He was there while she was in the NICU. I watched how gentle and loving he was with her as he held her fragile little body. He was there with me as we watched her slowly die. I have never truely processed and grieved her death. Because of this, I have been thinking that he is the only person that can truely understand how devastating that experience was. How it tore our hearts out. I know he loved her and as I, he has never properly greived for her. I now understand that I haven't been grieving the loss of Jake...I've been grieving the loss of the child that I bonded with. She was my world and I would have died for her, and nearly did. So, his leaving just brought up all those burried feelings and they came flooding back like a tsunami. All this time I have been projecting my grief for her onto him. He's a loser and I know it.