Bye Bye Bush!

YAY! We have a new president! O-BA-MA!!!!

Job Application

Ok, so I got my job application finished and submitted. I really hope I get called for an interview. It would be great to get this position since I would be able to keep the same medical benefits that I have currently. I'm worried that I may lose them once my divorce is final. I can't really afford to lose those benefits. I mean I can go to the VA, but they really don't know what they are doing there. Right now all my doctors are at Ohio State and I'd like to keep it that way. So wish me luck!

It's Been a Rough Couple of Days

I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately. I'm still getting things done but it seems like I'm standing still. It's like I'm in slow motion and the rest of the world is set on fast forward. I'm in the center, but everyone is rotating around me, increasing in speed continuously. It's a strange feeling. I feel so alone right now.

My Morning Was Tough

So I blogged earlier today, I was in a pretty bad mood. I mean, I was just feeling really sad and lonely. The two emotions that I have become closely acquainted with. I felt physically ill, and then I remembered what I learned in group. I had to become aware of my thoughts and challenge them. So here I am at 1:32 in the afternoon feeling much better. It's amazing how easy it is to feel better once you challenge your thoughts. So here's one of my many affirmations. "I am a good person and I did nothing wrong to drive him away. He left and that was his choice, not mine. I had nothing to do with his problems." Yes, I have to write this down, blog it, say it, or scream it everyday. I'm sure someday, once this whole process is over and done with, I will be able to believe it. But for now I'm feeling better.

I love this quote!

"Live in today, consider tomorrow." ~ Josh Gill ~ OSU Harding

Realizations

I had a really bad night last night. After I got home I began to feel extremely lonely. So per Dr. Baskin's orders I went with it. I had to feel sad and so I began to cry. I cried for nearly two hours. I texted a friend and he called me. We spoke for over an hour. Finally I felt better and very tired and so I fell asleep. I actually slept through the night and I didn't take any medication to aid me into sleep. I woke up this morning thinking about Jake and I began to cry once again. But why? I couldn't figure out why I was still crying over him. Then like a lightening bolt, it hit me. I have been saying for weeks that I'll never find anyone else ever again. The reason I have been crying over Jake is because of Emily, our daughter. He was there when she was born. He was there while she was in the NICU. I watched how gentle and loving he was with her as he held her fragile little body. He was there with me as we watched her slowly die. I have never truely processed and grieved her death. Because of this, I have been thinking that he is the only person that can truely understand how devastating that experience was. How it tore our hearts out. I know he loved her and as I, he has never properly greived for her. I now understand that I haven't been grieving the loss of Jake...I've been grieving the loss of the child that I bonded with. She was my world and I would have died for her, and nearly did. So, his leaving just brought up all those burried feelings and they came flooding back like a tsunami. All this time I have been projecting my grief for her onto him. He's a loser and I know it.

GRRRRRRR!!!!

So I haven't had the greatest day today. However, it has gotten better since my mega cool friends took me out for lunch...pound it! Thanks Kate and Brandi! Anyway, so I didn't get the job I interviewed for today...bummer. But, all isn't lost I'll probably be getting more hours here at The Learning Center. So things are looking up in that regard. On a not so positive note, my soon to be ex-husband is now lying to his attorney and has been having his friends call and harrass me. I'm not sure he grasps the concept of a restraining order. I guess I should have worked with him on his comprehention skills...LOL!

Life's Good!

I went to see my new therapist today. It went really well. I really like her and think that she is going to be able to get me past my past...LOL! I'm working everyday to improve myself and become the person I know I was meant to be. It's still difficult at times, but I now realize that those times will pass and I'll be ok. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with living in the moment, but I think I'm catching on. So as I wrap up I'd like to give a huge shout out to Nikol! Thanks for being one of my many miracles!

Finally!

I'm finally beginning to get over my soon to be ex-husband. Oh my gosh, I never really realized how much of a negative effect he had on me. So I have been drawing inspiration from some new music that I have been listening to. So I'll give you a small sample of the lyrics: " My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood his mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing Grace." So that's how I'm feeling now. I feel as if I'm finally free and great things are waiting for me out there.

I'm Doing It!

Ok, so here's what's up. Things are beginning to look up for me! I'm going through a very painful divorce. So, painful that I wound up commiting myself to OSU Harding. I spent 5 days in inpatient where I was evaluated and set up with the proper support. That was nearly 5 weeks ago. I've now been properly diagnosed and am taking a coctail that seems to be working well. I was discharged from IOP yesterday and I go to see my new therapist Monday.
I'm so grateful for the people that have been there for me and helped me learn how to cope with my issues. I can never thank them enough. To my friends ...I love you guys so much! To my family... thanks for bearing with me! To my team of mental health professionals...Thanks for saving my life! To my fellow groupies...hang in there, life won't always be this way!